Sunday, January 12, 2014

How should...

How should I feel...?

Griz has had severe lung disease for the past 5 years.  She has moderate dementia.  She has been a smoker for the past 70 years..so it is not a surprise that she was diagnosed with lung cancer last week...

We are waiting for the cell type/biopsy results to return before a prognosis can be given..but hell, lung cancer for the most part is fatal...  and...

I feel nothing.  No shock, anger, denial....everyday seems just like the day before..

If anything I feel guilty cuz shouldn't I be feeling something?  Sadness?  Outrage?  I've been her primary caregiver for 10+ years...  perhaps I've steeled myself, knowing this was inevitable, a protective measure. It's strange to be writing down little notes to remember for her eulogy and be so calm about it... Somewhere along the line our relationship has become nurse/patient..  not mother/daughter..

Feeling (or lack of feeling) has it's benefits..  I am able to deliver the care she needs without being over emotional...this keeps her calmer..

I suppose my attitude will change..just not sure how..

In other news...my knitting has been very scattered..I finished up Nerd Wars and will be participating in the next tourney...  I bring knitting with me to every doctors appt..but  it never results in a finished project...just something to keep my hands busy while waiting...

I don't know how I missed the ravelry cowl group....but I've now joined as cowls have been my favorite knitting project..   My January cowl is Sweet Memories Cowl.


finally, we had a huge snowstorm...


mary
wellfleet

7 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear about Griz, perhaps as you say it's a coping mechanism, go with the flow for now that's all you can do. Great looking cowl.

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  2. I am sorry about Griz. Not much else to say. Oh I love cowls too, will have to check out that group, thanks!

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  3. So sorry to hear the bad news. I have not yet crocheted or knitted myself a cowl. That is on my to-do list.

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  4. There's no saying how you should feel or how you will feel ... just go with the flow. Coping is better than otherwise, particularly while she's still with you. Lots of hugs!

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  5. Perhaps you're in shock. I'm sorry you are dealing with bad news. Your cowl is great, BTW.

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  6. I don't think you're "supposed" to feel any particular way. I'm sorry for the news, and I hope your knitting is brightening your days. The cowl is lovely, too.

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  7. I'm so sorry about your news - I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel - you have to cope in whichever way is best for you.
    Cowls are great and Sweet memories looks lovely :-)

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