Sunday, January 12, 2014

How should...

How should I feel...?

Griz has had severe lung disease for the past 5 years.  She has moderate dementia.  She has been a smoker for the past 70 it is not a surprise that she was diagnosed with lung cancer last week...

We are waiting for the cell type/biopsy results to return before a prognosis can be given..but hell, lung cancer for the most part is fatal...  and...

I feel nothing.  No shock, anger, denial....everyday seems just like the day before..

If anything I feel guilty cuz shouldn't I be feeling something?  Sadness?  Outrage?  I've been her primary caregiver for 10+ years...  perhaps I've steeled myself, knowing this was inevitable, a protective measure. It's strange to be writing down little notes to remember for her eulogy and be so calm about it... Somewhere along the line our relationship has become nurse/patient..  not mother/daughter..

Feeling (or lack of feeling) has it's benefits..  I am able to deliver the care she needs without being over emotional...this keeps her calmer..

I suppose my attitude will change..just not sure how..

In other knitting has been very scattered..I finished up Nerd Wars and will be participating in the next tourney...  I bring knitting with me to every doctors appt..but  it never results in a finished project...just something to keep my hands busy while waiting...

I don't know how I missed the ravelry cowl group....but I've now joined as cowls have been my favorite knitting project..   My January cowl is Sweet Memories Cowl.

finally, we had a huge snowstorm...



  1. I'm so sorry to hear about Griz, perhaps as you say it's a coping mechanism, go with the flow for now that's all you can do. Great looking cowl.

  2. I am sorry about Griz. Not much else to say. Oh I love cowls too, will have to check out that group, thanks!

  3. So sorry to hear the bad news. I have not yet crocheted or knitted myself a cowl. That is on my to-do list.

  4. There's no saying how you should feel or how you will feel ... just go with the flow. Coping is better than otherwise, particularly while she's still with you. Lots of hugs!

  5. Perhaps you're in shock. I'm sorry you are dealing with bad news. Your cowl is great, BTW.

  6. I don't think you're "supposed" to feel any particular way. I'm sorry for the news, and I hope your knitting is brightening your days. The cowl is lovely, too.

  7. I'm so sorry about your news - I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel - you have to cope in whichever way is best for you.
    Cowls are great and Sweet memories looks lovely :-)